The Wagon-Wheel of Self

Do you ever notice how much faster you run when you are on a trail with other humans? Or how much faster you pedal your stationary bike when there's a hottie-with-a-body on a bike adjacent to yours? Or how about when you sit down at a coffeeshop to write. Do you ever notice that the focused energy of others is what is fueling your very energy?

I find this experience to be enthralling. Energy is all around us; its influence is real. 

Now, it's one thing to fuel up on life's energy in order to give back to it (and cheers to you if you've figured out the cycle that works for your balanced lifestyle). But what about the times we fuel up on other people's energy and ideas only to routinely find ourselves depleted not too far down the path? We begin feeling like we don't have anything left to offer others, or most importantly, ourselves. We begin feeling as if we should identify ourselves as "failures" because the momentum we picked up from others was transient, and now nonexistent.

Let's take this idea a bit further.
Not only are we impressionable by the energy around us, we also allow ourselves to become incredibly dependent upon it. And why would we not? It works! Well, most of the time...

I want you to take a moment and look at this picture of an old wagon-wheel:

Photo Credit: amedeusphoto.zenfolio.com

I'm having you feast on this image because it's one that continues to reappear for me as I journey to solidify my sense of self and my value in this world. I cannot stop thinking about how the wagon-wheel represents the way I function as an adult. The centerpiece of my life is me, the hub. Everything else that I think about, invest in, react to, fuel up on, and so forth, those are the spokes. On a typical wagon-wheel the spokes are fixed to the felloes, the outer rim of the wheel. And as these pieces function together as a whole they literally create movement; the ability to progress forward. 

What I find so representative of "self" as portrayed through the wagon-wheel is this: even if just a single spoke is damaged, it effects the entire motion of the wagon-wheel. And if ever there is a severely weakened link, the wagon-wheel - and whatever it is carrying - can no longer move forward. It will remain stagnant until it can get the attention it requires to be repaired. This is how I've been living.

To be more specific, I'll invite you behind the scenes of where Dani gets her self worth and value. The list is probably a lot longer than what I am about to share, but these are the "spokes" that stand out the most:

-My Job
-My Boyfriend
-My Family
-My Friends
-My Health and Fitness

Essentially, this is a list of how I identify with myself. Over time these are the "things" that I've placed external value on, and therefore they have become the water well I go to every time I'm feeling dried up and need a drink internally. Hear me out: I am not saying that we shouldn't depend on others, or our external resources. I am not saying that all dependencies are wrong, bad or negative. What I am getting at is that for me, continuing to turn to these outward resources ALONE is not durable enough for the long haul. And the "problem" I'm facing is that anytime a shift or change occurs within the "spokes" of my life, my entire wagon-wheel breaks down. And speaking of indicators, this is a pretty loud one for me. It means that instead of sourcing my value and self worth from the inside-out, I've unconsciously been outsourcing a critical aspect of self that cannot be found outside of the self. Hence, SELF-worth. Hence, SELF-value. Hence, SELF-discipline. Hence, SELF-accountability. You smell what I'm steppin' in?

Again, PLEASE don't get me wrong. I DO love and care for myself. I do value my self. I can sit here and tell you that I know I am important and worthwhile, but majority of the time my actions, behaviors, and words don't always line up with this belief. And that's why I am here now, writing in a public diary, because I'm starting to wonder why it is so damn hard to get my self to create, produce, and invest in the projects/activities that I "say" are important to me. Aside from the regular 'ole fears and insecurities, there's something greater that is standing in the way of the materialization of my internal dreams and desires. And, I'm pretty sure that "something" is me.

I recently had a discussion with one of my dearest friends. I had told her that I read a quote in a book and that I knew it held a secret for me but that I couldn't quite grasp or understand the concepts it speaks of.

"If you want to achieve your highest aspirations, and overcome your greatest challenges, identify and apply the principle or natural law that governs the results you seek...Ultimately, success in any endeavor is always derived from acting in harmony with the principles to which the success is tied."

I'll be completely honest, I still can't fully wrap my brain around what's being said here (I'd love to hear your interpretations in the comments), but to me it sort of sounds like there is a separation between the natural elements of life, and the idea of success in my brain. And I think this is why I've been feeling as if there is a missing link between my internal reality and my external reality. As I communicated this struggle to my friend, she gently unveiled a truth that I've been needing to see for a LONG time.

"Dani," she said. "The NATURAL laws that you are looking to define and apply are ALREADY tied to YOUR idea of success." In other words, she's saying that my internal and external experiences are ALREADY fused, and that they have never been separate except for the many times when I have told myself that they are.

Now that it has been reflected to me that the reality of the external world, and the reality of my internal hopes and dreams ARE ALREADY FUSED as one cohesive experience, my new challenge to myself is this:

Find a unique cycle/routine that will persist despite all of the moving parts (the 'spokes') of your life (your 'hub'). 

This means that when my "family-spoke" breaks down, or when my "boyfriend-spoke" gets shaky, or when my "job-spoke" is up in the air, that I can rest assured inside myself KNOWING that I do not have to separate myself from my "dependencies," they do not hold the power. The energy I gain from my external resources is nothing more than a reflection of my already existent internal capabilities, and all I have to do is look inward and call on them.

Being able to do what I've mentioned above is critical, and I believe it to be so because life is not stagnant. Life is eternally moving, changing, shifting, evolving, and we are inherently worthy enough to be a part of that flow, I can feel it! I need my "wagon-wheel of self" to be more reliable, so that I can cover more ground moving WITH the flow of life and spend less time sulking and dwelling in my "have-nots" and "can-nots." It is there, in my stagnation, that I miss out on all of my opportunities to create, express, and to share my self to be known - which is really all that any of us silly humans want anyway - to be known.


I leave you with this challenge. 
Just ask yourself, "Self, are you relying on the energy and the capabilities of others to maintain self-discipline and self-value? What happens when those activities or those people go away? Does my self-worth go with them?"



Take care of your SELF.
With Love,
Dani Stylie